Ok, it’s official, you have now heard a lifetimes worth of obnoxious “grassholes” banging against your health, religious and moral barriers like water against sandstone. You’ve decided to look into this lifestyle either out of curiosity or simply to get your bloodless buddy to shut the hell up.

 

No worries. We get it. 

 

You’ve come to the right place. 

 

Like most things, beginning a new lifestyle is more complicated than simply changing one aspect of your life. A lifestyle, after all, is all encompassing.Though a bloodless walk is multifaceted, we find that the best place to start is simply becoming aware of the foods we consume and the impact that they cause to the ones we often see as lesser than us.

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As you might know, mantra here at bloodless is, Ascension Through Intention.

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Most people have the intention of living a moral and ethical life but most people don’t correlate ethics with food. Though most people would be appalled to see someone beating the tar out of a puppy or a kitten in a park, we often don’t associate that degree of needless violence towards an animal with the same needless violence that our food choices can cause.

 

If playing “Kick the Can” with Toto makes your stomach churn because you’re a human with one of those “soul” things, then we need to be critical of all our actions that may cause that same unnecessary violence to those we are capable of protecting. 

 

With that being said, let’s talk about how we can align our diets with a less…shootie stabbie approach to our fellow animal companions.

 

Here, we’ll briefly cover how you can begin your transition to a healthier, more ethical you.

 

We say “healthier” though it needs to be said, bloodless hamburgers and chicken nuggets are about as healthy as, well, hamburgers and chicken nuggets. These foods simply serve as a stepping stone allowing one to transition painlessly to a new lifestyle without missing out on old favorite foods.

 

We also say "briefly" because when it comes to a bloodless diet in today’s day and age, the food options are more abundant than crickets at a Biden rally. 

 

The world is quite literally your oyster.

 

But don’t eat oysters…you murderer.

 

So let’s start with the only question on everyone’s mind.

 

What in the world can I eat?

 

When up until this point, your diet has consisted squarely of bacon wrapped steak dogs, dipped in lard with ground beef sprinkles, going bloodless gives most meat eaters the infamous “deer in headlights” complexion.

 

However, I’m happy to inform you that with all of the flesh substitutes out there, you can quite literally cook all of your old favorites without missing a beat. Now, we need to tell you, we are not nutritionists. I can’t legally tell you what to eat, nor would I want to. My goal here is to show you options so that you can see how accommodating this new lifestyle is compared to what you were most likely previously envisioning; boiled carrots and asparagus seasoned with Miracle-Gro.

 

So let’s tackle some of our old time favorites that we’re scared we’ll miss out on when we decide to make the bloodless leap. 

 

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Hamburgers

 

This one is cake. Well, actually it’s a burger. (Ba Dum Chish. Dad jokes.)

 

But seriously. There is no shortage of substitutions in this arena. Let’s just start with the most famous, The Impossible Burger. This bloodless beast is so legit that fast food joints and sit down restaurants are implementing it onto their menus at record pace. Not only does it taste literally IDENTICAL to an actual burger, but they even added small touches like beet juice to mimic sizzling blood while it’s cooking. 

 

To me, yup, that’s f***ing disgusting. 

 

But to others, it gets their blood fix I suppose. 

 

The Impossible Burger is only the tip of the iceberg here as well. In this fake flesh-disc arena, we also have notable contenders like the Beyond Meat Burger, Incogmeato Burger, Boca Burger, Gardein Ultimate Burger and Simple Truth Meatless Patties just to name a few. 

 

Needless to say, you need a burger, we got you covered.

 

Moving on. 

 

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Chicken

 

Ah yes, the “healthy” cholesterol medium touted by doctors and bodybuilders alike. Need a little chicken in your life? 

 

Let’s hit it.

 

If you’re looking for patties, my bloodless brethren will hit you up with some Gardein Ultimate Chick’n Filets.

 

Oh, you want options?

 

Go check out Alpha Foods’ Crispy Chik’n, Morning Stars’ Chik Patties, Quorn’s Meatless Patties, Boca’s Chik’n or Simple Truth’s Crispy Patties.

 

“But I’m MAN dammit.” 

 

“I require dippy sauces."

 

Okay…

 

For my finger food fans, go check out Simple Truth’s Crispy Tenders or Morningstar Farms’ Meatless Chicken Nuggets or Gardein’s Ultimate Chick’n Nuggets or Quorn’s Meatless Nuggets…or…or…or….you get the picture.

 

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Ground Beef, Pork And More

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“But mate, I’m a cook, I want something I can put into meals rather than be the whole meal itself.”

 

No worries Gordon Ramsey. 

 

Going bloodless doesn’t mean you have to miss out on your old favorites that contain ground beef like spaghetti bolognese, Hamburger Helper or tacos. Just take a look at Beyond Meat’s Beyond Beef Crumbles, Gardein’s Ground Be’f, Boca’s Veggie Crumbles or Morningstar Farms’ Veggie Grillers Crumbles just to name a few.

 

We even have pork substitutes for our BBQ besties coming from companies like No Evil Foods BBQ Pulled Pork and Deliciou’s Plant Based Pork.

 

“What about chicken that isn’t breaded that we can throw into dishes?”

 

Looking to make a Ramen dish with grilled chicken or a chicken breast pasta swimming in a white wine and tomato sauce? Look no further than Gardein’s Meatless Chick’n Strips or Sweet Earth’s Mindful Chik’n or Morningstar Farm’s Meatless Chicken Strips.

 

“But I don’t eat land animals. I only eat meat that’s saturated in mercury and persistent organic pollutants.”

 

No worries fish fans. I’d point you in the direction of Gardein’s F’sh Filets or Good Catch’s Fish-Free Tuna or Sophie’s Kitchen Crab Cakes.

 

I hope by now you get my drift.

 

I could go on and on about how many blood-stained meat substitutes there are on the market today. With the bloodless lifestyle catching on like wildfire from professional athletes to Bob the mailman, the amount of options are only going to increase and improve.

 

You should note that Bloodless isn’t sponsored by any of these companies. We don’t get any money for endorsing their products.

 

Though, we are sponsored by Bob the mailman.

 

Bob’s a real one.

 

Shoutout Bob.

 

But seriously, all we’re trying to do here is to show people that this new world that is absolutely daunting at first, really isn’t that intimidating. Though we named a lot of brands and products from different sources, we still have only scratched the surface here. The amount of options out there to replace your old-time favorites are staggering. We’re simply just trying to give you an advantage that we never had when we first took the bloodless leap over a decade ago. 

 

It’s worth reiterating that the alternatives I listed above should not be considered healthy just because they are “bloodless.” 

 

A common misconception among the populace is that products that don a “Vegan” label are instantly considered health conscious. A good example that showcases this point is that most beers on the market are vegan. If you lived on a diet of Heineken and Oreos, you my friend would indeed be a strict “vegan.” However, you don’t need to be Doctor Oz to know that Budweiser bombers do not make up a well balanced breakfast.

 

So, just because a package reads “Vegan”, it doesn’t magically queue your arteries to begin singing, “If You’re Happy And You Know It.” 

 

I will repeat. 

 

The point of this missive is not to the highlight the healthiest alternatives. The point is to introduce bloodless comparisons to flesh foods that are nearly identical in taste and texture regardless of what your blood pressure thinks.

 

We at bloodless want people to know that there is another way to live.

 

Most people unanimously agree that animal abuse is immoral and unethical. That unanimous agreement needs to spread beyond the scope of our pets and into the world of our food choices. What we’re trying to articulate here is that it’s entirely possible for you to keep said food choices while also aligning your intentions to that same unanimous, animal abuse is immoral and unethical, agreement.

 

In other words, it’s not only possible, but easy to align ones moral values with ones actions without compromising our tastebuds. 

 

If you’re looking for healthier alternatives (which you should, tubby) with protein being the main focus, we would need to have a conversation about processed versus unprocessed foods. Though that topic is well beyond the scope of this writing, a few heart healthy protein packed examples for my book worms to research further would be whole foods like tempeh, black beans, lentils, peas, broccoli, spinach, quinoa, kale, etc. 

 

But I digress.

 

The point here is that you have options. 

 

The point here is that those options require a minor shift in ones choices but ripples a monumental shift for the ones we harm but claim to love.

 

Though the weight of the word bloodless far exceeds the notion of adhering to a specific diet, we firmly believe that the simplest and most expedient way one can begin their bloodless pilgrimage is by merely being cognizant of what they consume.

 

All that we’re trying to show is that ethically, the animals that we call pets differ very little from the animals that we call snacks. If our moral compass rejects the idea of needlessly harming a puppy or a kitten due to societal common decency, then that same common decency and morality should extend to all creatures regardless of wings, fur, scales or tales.

 

In essence, by taking a bloodless stance, you begin to transform yourself from that of consumer to that of protector.

 

Remember, we only have one planet.

 

We are the greatest species to have inhabited this planet. 

(Unless “Men In Black” is accurate…and it’s probably accurate…)

 

It’s time to protect rather than exploit those whom we see lesser than us.

 

Love edifies. It does not destroy.

 

If you truly love our planet and her inhabitants, there is but one choice to make.

 

It’s time to go bloodless.